suarrr > ??

where are we heading?

2010-01-13T01:15:00.005+04:00

Its 2010, and there is so much change around. Though i don't care a bit about the changes i am gonna talk about but it does in a way affect me very indirectly. The change is for the worse, ofcourse. I still live in the times where I feel that giving 10 rupees is too much for anything. If a rickshaw guy asks for 10 bucks for a 2 kilometer ride, I still have my eyes wide and jaw dropped and I think that I'd rather walk.

This is what I truly am. I am still in the early 2000's probably, where I was a school going kid and didn't have any expenses whatsoever. I was reluctant to buy anything costing over 10 rupees (except for kites) and still thought that I wanted to become Bill Gates. Given my poor spontaneity and an inability to come up with relative examples, the changes I am talking about have nothing to do with the inflation or with anything dealing with money. The changes I am talking about are not personal. They aren't related to my friends or people close to me. I am here talking about what this country watches, talks about, hears and enjoys doing now-a-days. I have been shocked to see so much bullshit around me in the past 2 weeks I have been in India so much so that it has compelled me to blog this. I still live in the times when an on screen kiss was considered to make me close my eyes and people would say "haw" and turn their heads. You may call me backward or whatever you wish but just to let you know for the sake of the remaining of the post, I just dont care what you call me.

The incidences which have left me totally surprised are some "reality" T.V. shows, some radio shows and the stuff that people talk about on the most common of all medium - facebook. First of all the T.V. shows. I saw an episode of "Emotional Atyachaar". A couple being in a live-in relationship were being doubtful and the boyfriend sent a guy(apparently attractive) to approach the girl and hit on her. The girl flirts back and in some time, she is seen making out with him. This was not enough. The guy takes the girl to his appartment to test her limits. Now on this, our boyfriend tells this guy to go ahead and give her hints but the girl doesn't cross any further lines. Now comes the best part - when this girl comes to know about the whole setup, she gets upset on her boyfriend for doing all this. The boyfriend replies that what happened was 'normal' and he would have done the 'same' thing if put in such a situation. He was 'okay' with what happened as she did 'not' cross the lines her boyfriend has set. He thinks it was okay for her to just have made out with him. How pathetic. Now what disturbs me is not the fact that all this is being shown on T.V.. Its not even about that such bullshit is being shown on T.V.. What disturbs me is that such shows gain the highest TRPs and everybody seems to just love it. They find this entertaining and amusing. I just have one question - What the fuck is wrong with everyone? What are you watching? I cannot answer that, neither can you. Move on.

Another thing which comes up is this stupid late night radio show called "Naughty Nights" where people apparently call in to share their naughty stuff. Amazing. Just for an example, this girl was sharing this thing on the radio so merrily that it seemed scripted. So anyway, she said that she came to know "from someone" that her boyfriend was sleeping with another girl while in a relationship with her. Now, as a revenge (or just for fun maybe), even she slept with a friend of hers (male of course). This is unbelievable. Its just leaves me speechless to see how people can at the first place say all this on the radio to the unknown people listening to them and that how on hearing "from someone" about something like this they can actually believe without referring to the person directly. Its amazing, just beats me. Oh, and yea, they were in a relationship from the past 2 years.

The last of all is the recent trend on facebook for girls to put up the color of their brassiere for everyone to see and to see how much time it takes the guys to realize why the colour thing is happening. :| . Please do not try to justify this act for god's sake. I know you would say it was for cancer awareness but please, it just was a stupid joke for you. You don't give a fuck about cancer awareness, atleast you didn't while putting up the colors. Didn't you for a second think that the people reading that can be your dad, mom, brother, teacher, or anyone! What shocked me more were the comments and discussions on them. An example - Guy: "Thats a good color, wish I could see some time", Girl: "hehe..lol". Come on! Either you are hippocrates or just too ignorant.

After all this, I am just left with few questions. Where's the shame? Where's the definition of a relationship gone?(or have I been too disconnected to be updated enough). Where the fuck are your brains?

Where are we heading?

-Ankit

yaari. dosti.

2009-08-29T16:54:00.003+04:00

'yaari. dosti.' as Sahil puts it while having a conversation with him about how incomplete i feel here at Purdue. The difference is just visible. I can so easily feel it. No matter how many people are here, how great a university it is, how excellent the teachers and the coursework is, its always a mix of things which would complete you in totality. I dont know if this applies in the 'general' sense but for me, I just cant be at a place even as good as say MIT or Harvard and be all alone. The incompleteness, the so much inside me wanting to come out in form of words, the heaviness that I feel cannot be completed with anything else than being actually shared.

There are random times at which I so feel like getting out of here and going back to either Jaipur or to Dubai to my previous college. While leaving from Dubai, I had always thought that its a part of life and I would somehow be okay with it. I would surely miss it but then it would be okay. I guess I was wrong on the time it is taking and for that matter, i was mistaken if it would ever go. I do have people back home whom I keep talking to, people I talk to here but then that feeling is always missing. Always. Manytimes while looking back or talking to anyone, I am reminded of my 2 years at Dubai. They were amazing. I don't think that I would ever have such an experience anywhere at anytime in my life.

Anyway, when i told Sahil (one of the many times i have told him the same things), his reply was "yaari. dosti.". I had known it in some sense but this time, i think it got in my head in a slightly different way. I did realize one of the major reasons of the way I feel here.

The portion of our chat is here:

me: you know, how much ever it goes here, kinda feels incomplete always

jitna bhi dedo, jitna bhi ho jae

never feels the same

as it used to in dubai, or as it does in india

Sahil: dost!!

dosti!!

yaari..!!

me: yea

i wish i could have realised the value of it over other things

anyway, i know its been like 4 months i have written anything on the blog and i guess i have lost the readers i had (though there were like just 2-3).

-thanks for reading.
-ankit

r a n d o m

2009-04-05T03:01:00.000+04:00

Well, lets see. Its been around 45 days i have blogged. Not that I didnt have enough to write about, but just the lack of push to do anything worthwhile than surfing youtube or just pointlessly wasting time. Had a lot to write about, like the ATB and Infected Mushroom concert in Chicago and the overwhelming frustration burst in which I banged my fist on my laptop which made some keys pop out and they still are out. Doing a little bad in my exams (not just a little, but pretty bad) and since I have come here as a transfer with a decision of my own, it really is shameful to even stand up eye to eye with the people I know. People with whom I debated about coming here and leaving my previous college. I know my dad reads this too. Don't worry dad, i havent done so bad. Nothing to worry about.

I wont dissapoint you guys (if there are any readers) and would like to tell you that this post, like the earlier ones, is gonna be very random. I'm already down 3 beers and I dont feel a thing. I dont feel the swing or anything. I can move my head from side to side without even the slightest blurr. Feels like I have just been drinking too much of malts and hops minus the alcohol. I never drink more than 3 at a time (3 means, 355 ml each). Anyway, the past some days have been so wierd and such a mix of everything. I am totally aware of how I am behaving, how I am reacting, why I am reacting and I can really feel my thoughts coming into play when they just strike me for that nanosecond. I am able to look at them and feel them happening. The sad part is, that I cannot do a thing about it. I still end up acting stupid/rude/wierd and etc etc. Its just getting a little uncomfortable with myself these days. When I am totally down and out, when everything just seems too bad here, I miss home. Not that I dont miss home otherwise but this is the time when I miss it the most. Its a place of peace and no headaches. I am totally fine there and everything just falls to place. I am looking forward to the summers of 2009 after having the best span of 3 months of my life last year (the summer of 2008).

Day before was another of the days when I felt confused and out of sync with everything. Out of sync in terms of the inability to realise what is going on with me, them and us. After the knowledge about how thoughts trigger my brain into this quicksand of negativity and after tries to fix it and just stop the thoughts, I find myself standing at another of the same situations as before. I have no clue how this life is proceeding. One second I feel good, the other second I feel miserable. I have complicated lots of things. I do take the responsibility. But then, its about "results". Nothing is happening. I am unable to do anything even after knowing my mistakes and after knowing where I am going wrong. I am just stuck. I am just unable to take a step towards solving it. The next thing I do just makes it more complex than simple. It makes it go worse than better. The difference I feel in myself from before and now is that now, I know that its just in my head and this prevents me from going totally bonkers. But this, is not a good thing. I just get stuck. I can't lose it, neither can I stay sane. It just gets on me. I don't know what to do.

Talking about the "Spring Awakening 2009" concert at the Congress Theater in Chicago, it was awesome. ATB was playing some gay vocal techno bullshit and I was literally showing the middle finger to him, that SHUT UP. Its not music. I agree that I have liked his music but that day, it was a pain to listen to. He was playing some bullshit which you cant enjoy unless you are drunk! Now that, is not what I call music. All the songs he was playing were sounding like some lusty female voice with a background techno score. The show began for me when Infected Mushroom came on. If you would have seen them on stage, you probably wouldn't have been able to name their genre. They had drums, guitars, electronica and vocals. It was amazing. They played all the great ones - I wish, Deeply Disturbed, Suliman and Becoming Insane. I somehow managed to push my way to the 2nd row(practically) but couldnt still get up till the fence. It was great to hear them live.

Any way, its just a week and a month to go till I go back home. Looking forward to the time ahead but in a very weird way. I cannot define weird coz I feel so weird at the moment and probably that is why the whole post was so weird!

-ankit

days go by ~

2009-02-17T06:50:00.005+04:00

I am someone who doesnt remember shit. What may happen seconds back just flows off my mind. I do not know why and neither do I want to. When it comes to remembering situations, remembering times and instances, I totally suck at it. I just cannot remember anything when asked.

The way I remember things is completely different than most of you might think or know about as to how things are remembered. There are moments which just come and its the feeling I had at that moment which comes up. Its not the instance. I cannot remember completely or even half-way how it happened but I do remember how it felt. I spent an amazing time of 2 years at BITS, Dubai. Made friends (without having a motive to do that), laughed, cried, got beaten, fasted for a month, initiated somethings, became the best at something (as they say, "andhon mein kaana raja"), walked through a dust storm (feels awesome when it blows through your hair with all the dust hitting against you so hard that you start wondering what a small piece of dust can do), worked for setting number-of-days-without-a-shower record, had the worst food ever, slept nights with guy(s) (oh come on, i was in a hostel and it was fun 0_O), spent hours and hours quietly on the terrace with thumps up and ice-creams, had redbulls and slept off, drew shit on my hand and jeans and possibly everywhere and the list goes on. Moreover, I was a part of a team which was built up so naturally and aimlessly that it had the magic of spontaenity. A team which beared with my screaming, shouting and literally bursting out on them whenever they did something crazily wierd or something i didnt like. We came up with probably a very wierdly funny/sarcastically dangerous name for the team too. You'll know what its called.

And now when I hear about them carrying on after me (without me), there is this sense of sadness with completness and incompleteness both existing in such a perfect mix that it makes just makes me feel good that there is something i created and bad as i couldnt stay longer to complete it or take it higher and go higher along with it. I miss it. I simply miss being a part of it. Though you might console me that I still am but I know I am not. There are a very few things one is good at even though among a small number of people and you can also put it like it is among people who are not so good at it. There are somethings which I could do which no one else around me could do as good. And once you have that feeling, its just too tough to go away and this is where 'Goo Goo Dolls' make sense when they say "Nothings real till its gone". Though the "nothing" doesnt fit in this case but i was just aiming the feel behind this line.

Anyways, all i would say is that when I didnt have a reason to stay, i was there and now when I have reasons to be there, I am gone. You might consider me an "emotional fool" and i leave it totally to your perspective.

-ankit

ps: btw, would like to quote a totally irrelevant quote from the above post but this is probably the best quote i have heard/read lately. "A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle".

the accidental retrospection

2009-02-06T19:26:00.002+04:00

I was looking through the new offline feature that gmail has come up with and was just toggling with my account, looking at random stuff. I came across some stuff from the past and i wouldnt say that it shook me or took me aback as I since past some time, I have gone through such stuff a lot. But it did make me feel the difference in me. It made me feel ashamed of few things. It made me hear it from myself that please remove this thing in front of yourself. Even though that was me, be it wayy back but still, it was me.

I have a faint memory. I should rather say that I have a very faint memory. When I see something, i rarely go down the memory lane coz my memory lane is incomplete and most parts are lost and I just cant trace back most of the time. I have been saying that I have been a lot of things before. I have been very different than what I am right now. But I was never clear on how different or how exactly I was. I got to see it myself today when soem buried stuff came out and it was so visible that what I was and what I am is a complete different person altogether. It would be foolish and noobish to say that I am still moved by my past. I dont remember it but I just have the feel of it. It doesnt mean I do it knowingly but it is just me, I just dont remember. It just happens and I do not remember automatically. When I saw it today, I was a little moved. I wanted to hide from myself. I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream that this isnt me. I dont want this to me be. This wasnt. No. Please. Stop it. Close it. No. But then came the hands on my shoulder. The hands of a little maturity and a little sense of truth that however and whatever it was, it WAS me. It is me. I have lived it. I have been all of that. I have said stuff and done stuff that have left a spot on me and my life. It may not be of that much importance right now as it is gone and I have lived it. It is over. It seriously is. I do not want to say that I was a kid, I didnt know things, I did it in immaturity, I said it in senselessness. The point remains that I have said it and been it. There is no explanation I want to give, to myself.

It sure is tough to live with oneself being at a big fault or being the one who has commited a mistake. A big mistake. But on the other hand, I also believe that calling somethings a mistake is disrespecting it. I do not say that do not disrespect it just for the sake of it but all I say is that what we did, whatever we were, whatever we have said - we did because we thought it was for real. We did what we thought was right. Though the reasons why we think something is right is composed of a million of things and you just cannot narrow down. This doesnt mean that whatever we have done was just. I do not know what is the way to deal with it. I do not know how to make it go away. It stays. But how it stays is the important thing. I have lived with things, faced them, broken myself, abused myself, hit myself and punished myself. I do not need sympathy and neither I want to hear that whatever happened, happened for good and whatever i did, i was a kid and it was a mistake. Hearing those would not make a difference. All I know that is what I did, was what I thought was real that time. It may look however hurting and pinching now but it doesnt deny the fact. This is not a consolation but a fact. It takes time and age to learn few things. It takes the hard way too. Things make us. Things break us.

As I complete this post, I would take some time off and stand up again. I would look my past into the eye and stand still. I wont say anything. I dont want to. I am mum. There is a bit of strangeness I feel in my chest but a clarity I feel in my head. I can live with myself. I am.

-ankit

wish i had words

2009-01-30T03:33:00.008+04:00

preserve
find
fake
false
lie
choke
fall
lose
alone
unstable
messed
disturbed
sight of light
faith
belief
strength
respect
understanding
stability
emotions
feelings
life
live
beauty
clarity
patience
moments
love
fears
consequential
fear
share
learn
relief
understand
strength
hope
forget
insanity
fear
lose it
spoil
unclarity
hurt
understand
shame
learn
shame
respect
shame
responsiblity
shame
and now, speechless

you

2009-01-26T20:58:00.000+04:00

I wonder what its to be you
to be someone who's always true
to see the way you always do
to know everything as you do

the purity of the heart and soul
and the innocense with which you look into
laugh cry and beat me too!
i wonder what its to be you

i cant see anyone like i see you
there is no one who is like you
its not the way you look
or the way you make me go blue

its about what lies within
and about the sense you put through
the way you just let me be me
and the way you just be you

how would it be in your shoes
how you believe and what you choose
to be so simple yet so true
to know so much and live it through

i couldnt have done it without you
to say all that and mean it too
you took everything that i threw
how you fixed it i have no clue

what i see when i look into myself
is nothing but a pointless hue
i dont know how its to be you
see me know me the way you do

-ankiiiiit.

Tag crasher

2008-12-27T16:48:00.003+04:00

As tagged by Abhishek, here it geos:

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?
A.Yes Man (Jim Carrey) and this man doesnt dissapoint..

2. What book are you reading?
A. Book! reading! me! are you kidding?

3. Favourite board game?
A. Lots. Nothing as such favorite. But for example, I like LIFE, Chess, Chinese Checkers.

4. Favourite magazine/s?
A. None.

5. Favourite smells?
A. Petrol.

6. Favourite sounds?
A. I can list all genres of music here but favorite has to be trance and especially DJ Tiesto's music.

7. Worst feeling in the world?
A. Being Misunderstood.

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
A. Last Night.

9. Favourite fast food place?
A. Have been at too many places to actually list down a permanent favorite but it has to go to Fuddrucker's.

10. Future child’s name?
A. Not yet thought about.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d...?”
A. If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d If I had lot of money I’d...

12. Do you drive fast?
A. Yes.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
A. Not always.

14. Storms - cool or scary?
A. Depends on place, company and the storm ofcourse.

15. What was your first car?
A. Haven't had a first car yet but have had a bike though. It was a Karizma.

16. Favourite drink?
A. Can't think of any.

17. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would...”?
A. live the same way as I do now.

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
A. Never noticed but I think I do eat the whole thing.

19. If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?
A. Black :S

20. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?
A. Jaipur, Dubai, Sharjah, West Lafayette.

21. Favourite sports to watch?
A. Football (Soocer), Cricket and Hockey. Hockey rocks for the pace of the play.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?
A. Respectful taste of art of any form it may be.

23. What’s under your bed?
A. My suitcase.

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?
A. Yes. Without a doubt.

25. Morning person, or night owl?
A. Depends what the situation demands.

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?
A. Anything goes. Never bothered noticing the preferences but its all on the mood.

27. Favourite place to relax?
A. The terrace.

28. Favourite pie?
A. I dont like pies.

29. Favourite ice cream flavour?
A. Lichee.

30. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?
A. I am not going to tag anyone.

more of you to know

2008-12-12T14:15:00.002+04:00

Was wondering on how we fix ourselves in this randomly random place. Everyone is random. Different times, different situations. You might never be able to know anyone completely coz ther are times you just cant narrow it down to few things. Especially, when we think we are in a relationship and it seems like we have got it all now, we make a mistake as it never ends and it never stops. You never stop knowing or you never have it all. Different times, different situations and lots of different ways in which someone behaves. The lines below are my view over them and how i look at them.

when i saw you smile
right there, standing aside
i didn't move ahead
wasn't scared but just beheld

and then i heard your voice
rising amongst the pointless noise
i could feel that you had the poise
but i still had a choice

then we had a conversation
there was so much to know
there were times when it was strange
but there was always something which let it go

i then looked into your eyes
so did you, into mine
and we fell, it was easy to see
we both knew and it had to be

then it grew and i got your love
you got mine, it was all fine
it all went great with the time
days and months passing by

but something went into my head
i compared now and then
things seemed changed and i was confused
i asked, answered but all in vain

i thought i had it all
i had you and it was not to fall
feeling this stopped myself
to see the better side in itself

then i looked at the brighter side
saw that it wasn't a compromise
things had changed but i was to know
they do change, but they just grow

now i see you more than before
its always more of you to know
nothings fixed coz it just grows
i now see more of you to know
i just have more of you to know

and as i say, changes happen.. They are bound to.. Nothings fixed and nothings permanent.. Though we may love it to be that ways.. But lets not expect it to be as when it isnt able to be, it messes up.. Look at changes as growing.. It just grows..

-thanks for reading

-ankit

another day, different way

2008-11-30T23:06:00.014+04:00

I used to be ignorant about all this. Every time it happened, it just passed me by and i was more or less substantially unmoved. The 'it' I am talking about are the so frequent bomb attacks and terrorist attacks which we have become 'used to'. Just like me and you, most of us have. I agree we don't have a choice but whatever, this is a fact. This time when I saw the news on the internet, it just didn't pass me by. It stayed, and got stuck. My first reactions and my first opinions about them were that it feels like our country is a prostitute. They come every time, fuck around, shoot some, kill some but it just seems like any other day. They bloody drove through the city shooting blindly. Its just insane. I couldnt any longer think of the reasons why they do this. Land? for their rights? or what? Tell me. Coz if it is for your rights, you are just messing it up more.

But whatever, It is exactly the same fuckin story during the attacks and after it. Anyways, during the attacks it just keeps flashing the number dead and injured. Those so expected and always to be seen lines which keep scrolling by saying who all condemned the attacks and who took the responsibility/claim of the attacks. The same old interviews of the eyewitnesses, the people, the police and the government officials (just thought of using a more civilized name for the 'great' miserly coward politicians).

Then comes the next days. We mourn. We feel sad. We condemn it, raise voices, see some initiatives by some fuck all groups like some newspapers and other people which finally die out. We hear stuff like lets re-unite agains terror and blah blah. We see that probably fake anger and 'rage' amongst our literate but uneducated youth (includes me). It just seems like another day in my life which happened in a different way. We have rehearsed it for a lot of times now. Then we see the coverage on TV of people dying, the ceremonies of the police/army officials who died and many of us enjoy the 'drama'. Then there are those amazing shows which has those QUESTIONS on which they say that they NEED TO BE ANSWERED NOW. Then come some resignations and some statments. Those reasonings and all that crap. Resignation is like the best way to run away from it! Take responsibility to not let it happen again. Make us believe in you if you really believe so. In the end, the full detailed report in those fortnightly magazines and the matter dissolves with time.

But this time, i received a message which got stuck. I received a message asking me to wear a white t-shirt to work/study place and then the message said the most unbelievable sentence about our country. It said 'let this not divide us'. It just didn't get through me. I just couldn't see if these things are being done to divide us. And hey, who us? Ask yourself, and ask truly and answer it without having those idealistic thoughts and perception. Aren't we already divided? Just coz our constitution says we are secular and just coz we are taught equality, doesnt mean that we aren't that ways. Its different what we are supposed to be and what we actually are. This basically defines hippocracy. One part of our constitution blabbers about secularism and the next builds laws on the basis of caste etc etc (like reservations). Its not about living in a country which talks about secularism. It is about actually believing in it and that thing actually existing. Existing means existing out of the paper and into the minds of us. These attacks just cannot divide you further! We are divided. Divided in our thoughts if not the constitution. Divided in our decisions, thinking, mentality on the basis of caste, colour, region, religion and even height and weight for that matter. Stop this nonsense hippocracy. So just stop this 'let it not divide us' crap. They don't have lines on which they would divide you dumbfucks further. All they did was get in, kick it hard in your butt, shove it in your face and make you believe that they would come back again even if it is for no reason at all.

Then came this news about the resignation of the home minister. The media was only and only concentrated on the seats they might lose for the election. I saw for one hour, and that is all they had to talk about. They were just interested about the seats. He has resigned for a bigger consequence damn it! Where is that gone? If it actually were, it would have shown. And it is true that how much ever you try to cover your own self, it does show. And this showed what we actually care about and just made it so clear as to what we truly believe in and are concerned about. We know it and just like our education system says, "do it for the marks and just fuck the understanding part".

- ankit

P.S. : this vents out some frustration but hey, I am just one of you. literate but uneducated. These words i wrote above, are just another of those millions of people writing about it.

Till I'm myself again, part 2

2008-11-16T20:50:00.002+04:00

i just went through one of my poems that i had written and posted on the blog also. Its called 'Till I'm Myself Again'. As i was reading those lines, I could feel similar again. Not the whole thing, but much of it. Though some of the questions have been answered and they just felt like a set of lines which were really strong some time back and I really felt them then but there are some which still linger. They linger in my head and makes me go down again. This is what I am. What a great excuse, isnt it. I want to help it, but i somehow cannot. I get close, and then so far.

When the same things pop up in the head, you feel like not saying them again. You feel like a liar and it feels too disgusting when you see that you are not of your words. It happened, you say it and then you repeat the same thing again. Its crazy. Its just not done. Either don't say it, or don't do it. I just cannot understand myself just like most of other times though but this is different. This kind of thing that I do, has a different place always. It always hits back hard to know that what I had said, what I had decided or understood, was all in vain. Not all, but basically I did not keep up to it. I must not forget that its not just my life and its a lot of other people too in it. It matters. To me, to them and to us.

But since the last time, I have learnt somethings and have happened to believe in them. They are trust, belief and hope. And that reflected on the way I took things when I read this poem again. There is something I would like to add to my earlier poem. Be it a part 2, but it needs to be added. It goes as:

Time has passed by
it keeps adding to the pain
i have had nothing to lose
with almost everything to gain

been on the right track
ridin the right train
lots of things go down the drain
and have been out of the frame

Its still messed up
Things are still insane
But This time i wont take the blame
Hope would make it better again

I stumble through the past
Some of it does feel the same
And as I get to the last lines
I would read them once again

I know that it is fucked up
But I Fall down and rise up again
And I wont give up
Till I'm myself again

I have learnt that situations change, things change and its best not to be judgemental as no 2 situations are same. And since I forget so soon, I have some notepad files on my desktop so that I look at them and I find the answer to most of my mess ups. A pretty stupid way but this is the only way i could figure out.

-suarrr

PS: Its pretty strange that this post, ended on a positive and hopeful note. I wonder what is wrong with me. :P.

would you erase me?

2008-11-13T09:15:00.006+04:00

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

I have no clue whatever the fuck these lines mean.. I heard them in the movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" which is supposedly inspired by these lines.. Most of you might have seen the movie and If you haven't, i will first brief a little about it. The tagline goes as "You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story.". It is based upon the lives of people who when given the choice, choose to erase people and everything related to them from their memory. Its like writting zeros to your hard drive. All this makes you answer a very unusual and unorthodox question that if you were given a chance to remove somethings from your memory, be it a person, an incident or anything else, would you?

I asked 2 of my friends the same question and what I got was not really expected but I understood. I got idealistic answers which said that we grow up and change and learn from our past. We should not erase it as we learn and get better from it. I then modified the question with an example. An example of something terrible, dreadful, shameful and shattering like maybe a rape, or a case of seeing someone close to you burnt alive! These cases are not liked and gets strange when talked about but it was just an example. Their answers, changed. They said that now in that case, yes they might want that. Now since its a totally imaginary situation and a totally imaginary case and I know many of you might say that it is pointless to think about it as we only know what we actually do when the situation and time comes.

I know but its just a question to think about if you want to. Would you? Would you erase me if I was someone for you who brought sadness and frustration to you? I thought about it putting myself as the questionee (does this word exist?). I realised that it would be unfair to do so. The past and my life is something that is mine. I have lived it and no matter how good or bad it was, it was what I did and it would be a just unfair on my part to erase the bad times. Unfair to whom? Unfair to the times. Unfair to the equality of the good and the bad. Both exist, and they should. Even though there are times when the past just creeps in from nowhere and hits you hard. But still, you cannot deny that it is yours. It is what you lived and it is what you did. And as someone said, the past prophets the future and the present.

Live it.
Live with it.

And my question remains, would you?

-suarrr

Of thoughts and things

2008-11-06T08:49:00.008+04:00

I was a firm believer in the idea of a man being of his situations, decisions and outcomes. I always had an answer which said 'This is the way I am' or 'This is the way he/she/they are'. I still have the same answer but the support behind it has changed to a different view. A man is of his thoughts and these thoughts are just another word of percievance. How things seem are different to everyone as they dont carry a meaning of their own. It is how one thinks about it, makes it physical for him. Its existance in all forms is defined by just the thought.

Its amazing how I can mess every situation by letting one thought win over the other. Now this is pretty obvious that this is the way I am, but what I am is just dynamic over time, place, situation, environment, people and all the other factors. The point I am making here is that something would exist for me in the way I want it to be and the way I think about it. Its those thoughts, which become things and make stuff physically existing. It is from the thought that I mould everything into what it looks to me. Now it is just a basic difference which can be explained by how that dog jumping over me scares me, or amuses me. I know whatever I am saying here makes you say that its another crap about perceivance but it goes another level deeper into it. It goes to the origin of the way you see things. Looking at stuff with hope and trust just makes stuff work on its own whereas the dejected vision, reapes nothing. Things dont exist. Thoughts become things. This statment is the one i have been using since the past one month everytime i mess up and trust me, it really makes you see things un-biasedly and gives you a better view of it.

Another argument that I have now had for quite a long time with some of my friends is about generalization and randomization. They say that everything is goverened by some set of things which effect it and makes it what it is. They are right but the problem arises when you try defining and labelling those set of things which affect it. Its just insane to do that. Its just being unfair to the other things that also affect it.

There are no countable 5-10 things which affect something. There are hundreds and basing yourself upon just those 5-10 things is just unfair. This, also gives a good example of how the thought become things as those 5-10 things one guy would base upon, would be different than the other guy. I say, everything is random as it is goverened by a different equation everytime which varies in the variables as well as the coefficients hence varying the affecting factors and their weightage. It would be crazy to try and find the equation. I know that it does get tough to be decisive if you cant figure out the equation but think at it this way that what you must be thinking, might not be the complete thing and its better to be blank than be wrong.

Then comes this question that WHAT! DO I STOP PERCIEVING? coz what I percieve and how i think about stuff is what i am and that is what defines me. True. I agree. I dont have an answer to this. Do you?

-would appreciate answers..

-thanks for reading
-ankit

Justify

2008-10-02T00:51:00.006+04:00

Lyrics from the song 'Justify' by 'The Rasmus' from their new album 'Black Roses'. Listen to the song along with the lyrics.

So close so far I'm
lost in time
Ready to follow a sign
If there was only a sign
The last goodbye
burns in my mind
Why did I leave you behind?
Guess it was too
high to climb

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

Someone as beautiful as you
Could do much
better it's true
That didn't matter to you
I tried so hard to be the one
It's something I couldn't do
Guess I was under the gun

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

It's only right
That I should go
And find myself
Before I go and ruin
Someone else

So close so far
I'm lost in time
Ready to follow a sign
If there was only a sign

Give me a reason
Why would you want me
To live and die
Living a lie
You were the answer
All that I needed
To justify, justify my life

It's only right
That I should go
And find myself
Before I go and ruin
Someone else

According to me, its about the situation, which this guy creates for himself and couldn't help doing so.. This guy leaves this girl, as it was getting tough.. But then, he is lost and there is no way to go now.. She wanted him to be somebody else ('Why do you want me to live and die, living a lie') and he couldn't make her happy and couldn't be the one for her.. She could do wonders to him and she was the answer to his life, but this didn't matter to her.. She was the the justification to his life.. At the end, he realizes that its right he should first know who/what he is before spoiling someone else's life by acting like a liability on them.. All he wanted was her as she made sense to him.. But it just couldn't go on as what she wanted, was something else, and probably not him..

A brilliantly sung and a nicely composed song.. Lyrics are just amazing..

- I am too obsessed with this song at the moment..
- I find the acoustic version better -> 'http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mb6w64P7sJ8'

-ankit

Same boat in a different ocean

2008-09-29T05:03:00.013+04:00

Its been long for a post and relatively a lot has happened. But all this that happened, just kept on battling with each other. I had the question, then the answer and then the flip-side of it. It went on like this for long. The difference in today is that I am just spilling it out.

How many times does it happen with you that the road you are on at the moment, seems like the one taken before. A road and the way you are too scared to be on. The path, you are too horrified by and which always reminds you of the destination it may lead you to. All that I have done, I have done so that I don't reach that place again. I knew the destination, but this path seems familiar. I dont remember properly what it was the last time, but it was a little similar. But the reason I am still on this path, even after seeing the similarity, it the belief that this time, I haven't done anything wrong. I haven't made the same mistakes. I remind myself that all that I have done this time, is what I felt like. I haven't done anything against my wish. I don't regret anything. But life is simpler to handle when its just you. As soon as the other life you dare not hurt comes into picture, you become shaky. It was so easy to stand from far away and talk about things and talk as the preachers but now, when you yourself are in a situation, you know how it is. The spectator from far off doesn't know anything.

When stuff happens with you, you tend to compare and relate it. Compare/relate it with the life you have seen and heard about as that is all you know. You compare as you want to know and 'conclude' about it and its more natural to do than anything else. An event in ones life leaves its marks depending upon how he takes it. What I have got to compare with, is my life and my view on it. And what do I say, its quite evident as to how negative view I have had of it. Everything happening, feels like its going to crash the exact same way again!

I have learned that life cannot be ruled by reasons. There are just too many to name one, or base your conclusion on one. There are unlimited reasons, unlimited ways in which things have progressed, and uncountable events which actually make things the way they are. And what was said in "Into The Wild" makes good sense to me now. He said, "If we believe that human life can be governed by reasons, then the whole purpose of life is defeated". Though the second part of this line isn't very well related, but the basic essence is that there are millions of reasons and its just not fair to base your 'conclusion' on any one of them or many of them. It just happens, and it happened. Its not a matter of how and why, but a matter of what. My mind has touched many dimensions and I have thought about the same thing on many different ways but I always stand unsure and confused. People hate it when they don't know why but its totally opposite for me. I hate it when I know as all I know, is the negative part of it and that is all that resides in my head.

Someone lately told me and made me think about the fact that how soon we get conclusive and make them facts and how those facts act as a wall in front of us which prevents us from seeing the other stuff. The question is that what do we do if not be conclusive? I very well agree with the fact that what being conclusive does to us, but the point is, that there is this good and bad in everything that exists. They come with drawbacks and possibilities both. I just fail to believe in one thing. I just see everything that exists related to it and guess what, I don't seem to have a problem with anyone of them. We cannot help being conclusive even after knowing that it does but that is probably the way it works.

In short, I just fear that this time and the new atmosphere, will change me. People say that change happens for good. But its just another consoling statement for those who have troubles in dealing with the change so that they might feel a little better. The reason for fearing the change is that this change is totally unwanted and unasked for. I am unable to see the possibilities it comes with. All I can see is the damage it is capable of doing to me.

One last thing. There was this belief of mine on 'forever'. It said that some things are forever and they are from the start. It prevented me from coming back down to earth and see how actually things are. Nothing is forever but till whenever it is, let it be and live it. It isn't forever already, but it can surely be.

-thanks for reading this torturous post.. it was too long, random and lacked any kind of relation or transition..

-ankit

ps: the title was quite thought of.. and it tells more than these words above do..

de de pyaar de

2008-09-03T10:53:00.000+04:00

kya kya nahi bikta!!

-suarrr

(photographer - Nitish)

Till Its Gone

2008-08-12T04:20:00.000+04:00

My whole life has turned around

Just by what I am

Sitting idle with nothing in hand

No one to curse but myself

Neither a master, nor a jack

I pretend that I can always crack

Swinging around with nothing real to show

Only reasons is what I would throw

I lie down on the bed

With thoughts in my head

Looking within for peace

Disgust for myself doesn’t cease

Until My world comes down again

And I hate myself in vain

Fed up of myself, I wanna die strong

But I have heard it right and song

That Real’s nothing till its gone

This was after one of those occasions when you feel disgusting about yourself.. When you know that you have nothing and you do nothing and hence, you got nothing.. And when you say that you wanna die and let off all this digust and unreal life, it strikes that nothing is real till its gone..

--------------------------

This was kept as drafts. Just read it again, and felt like posting it. Don't know why. But just do. It might feel to you that i throw these fancy words as "i wanna die". Yeah, i feel the same.

-suarrr

peach

2008-08-07T14:24:00.000+04:00

I recently got familiar with someone. He was a peach. Yes, a peach, the fruit. He wanted to be an apple, coz you know, apples are supposedly better in color, taste, juice and they are supposed to be the best. So, the peach, was a peach, is a peach. But he wasn't happy with being 'just another' peach. His life was miserable and sad. Everyone around him, always wanted him to be an apple and hence, he himself came to believe that this was what he also actually wanted. Come on, thats what had always been told to him.

He spent his life trying to be an apple. Every thing he did, he compared it with the apple. Even though he wasn't the apple, he faked it to be that ways. He had lost himself. He just didn't accept the fact that he is a peach. He never believed in himself being one. He always cried upon the fact that why he isn't an apple. He sat down and wondered in regrets, failure and vain. What did go wrong? Even after so much of his tries, he still couldn't make anyone happy. Couldn't make HIMSELF happy. He never got what he wanted.

During all this, he forgot that he wasn't an apple. He can be an apple, but then, he would still be a peach. He has his own color, flavor, taste. He never believed in himself. He didn't end up being an apple, and nor could he be a good peach. Like this, all of us are trapped in being the apple. We are never ready to believe and accept that we aren't the apple. We are a peach. We have our own things. Just because people like apples, and apple is the most recognized, doesn't mean that we run after being the apple. The apple is an apple because its an apple. Simple.

In this heights of competition and high standards, all of us are blindly following the same thing. Its just a rat race. 99% of us would end up feeling this way. We would run after being what we are "supposed" to be, rather than being what we are. The truth is killed. There are standards set for "success". There are "ways" and "keys" to success. The worlds most violent man can reach as high as the most calm man. So, there is no key. You are the key.

I have written about this many times. In different formats, in a different way. But I mean just the same.

'The world is full of rats. Those rats who accept that they are rats, win.'

- me

'The peach isn't an apple. But it can be a peach only if you are willing to believe in it.'

- Kung Fu Panda

-peach

-rat

-ankit

Just madness

2008-08-02T14:57:00.005+04:00

4 sleepful nights, 4 restless days, some smokeful evenings.. I have felt this before. I remember. Some of the very few things I actually remember and I can say that yes, I have felt all of this before. It feels like you dont have anything about which you are sure. You feel like there is everything which would slip away from you. There is nothing to stay. And you are too scared to like anything so much so. Even though the way to the same feeling has been different, but it has ended up feeling the same. The worst part is that since the past 4 days, I have been just trying to figure out what the problem is. Its just too blurry. This feeling cant let you live. I have lost the long found peace. I cant handle myself. The world is burning. The heart is heavy. I feel sadness and its time for me to go. Go somewhere I have no clue about. Its just a perfect situation for a runaway. But the people around me, would still complain. My fears are coming true. I had won over them. The sadness which nails you chest when you see sorrow and tears. I feel this way.

I have a feeling that by the time I fight out of all this, It would have changed. I would have changed. Yet again. Another death ill face, shoved onto my face. I fail to live. I fail to be able to take it all. Anything isn't bad until it tastes good. The time it kills you, you would term it as the worst thing. Every thing related to it would seem fake. Pessimism has taken over and now, it resides.

Its a crazy life. I feel breathless. Right now, I dont fear death. The condition is as bad. I feel again like giving up. I dont think I ll burn out, and just to hold kurt true, i'd like to say that I am fading away.

-ankit

The perfect words..

2008-07-23T09:50:00.007+04:00

My life is pretty simple. It simply tends to complicate everything. Most of the actions, are just so much unsure. The basic point is, that there is so much I know about "why" and "for what reason" I am doing something, that I don't let it happen. There is so much of myself that i don't like. I don't want to be all of that. Being someone you want to be instead of being what you actually are, is a big question on the existence of fakeness lying in the whole scene.

Is it faking trying to change yourself (genuinely) ?? I dont know. I mean, there are my thoughts which are just there and i know that they are not the way I would like to think but they are just there, from the start. I can call all this as the "experience" which is trying to settle in my head, disturbing the inertia and the things already in there.

All i have been doing from the past 20 years of my life, and all that i have learnt was to do things for the sake of others and do things which others want you to do. And Now once i know, i can feel it in every step of mine. I can feel that there is so much of doing things for "the sake" of others feeling good, that now i don't end up doing it. I stop it. Now I don't know if this means faking it, or it is a positive step. I hate to lie, I don't want to lie. I want to be as transparent and as clear as there can be. But yes, the whole situation about just being transparent have made me able to accept myself in a much better way, and hence, Its simpler for me to not let myself do somethings which are as a result of those stupid ass thoughts in my head. Now that, isn't fakeness, that is a genuine realization.

The problem is not doing what I am doing. The problem is knowing what I am doing and why I am doing it. And hence, there is that check at every point. Its a battle i fight with myself everyday, minute-in-minute-out. Now, its not a problem for me coz it makes me sure that I am not being what I don't want to be. And since practice makes it perfect, its something i need to practice to make it myself and to make them sink in.

The reason for all of us(me on the top of the list) being so fucked all the time, is finding a permanent solution to a problem. Accept the problem. This is the only solution to it. What solutions we take out thinking them to be permanent, or even temporary, is put it away or try and change things coz of it. Now that, is really having its repacussions. Just accept the problem, or the situation (if you dont want to call it a problem). Live with it, its just a problem. We often take problems as some thing bad or wrong and we get so hasty that all we want to do, is do away with it. Its just a part of it. Its just in the cycle. This is so synonymous to death. We just want to do away with it, but its nothing wrong or bad, its just a part of the cycle. Just as life is, just as happiness is. So is death and problems (or sadness or whatever).

The perfect words to put this all up, never crossed my mind since so long. They used to just pass by, and since I am forgetful, they didn't return. One did and they all kept coming, and here they are as put above.